We all have a longing deep within our souls to be seen, to be known, to be loved, to be cherished. To be seen without blemish, to be known fully without judgement, to be loved unconditionally, to be cherished despite our failures and weaknesses.
This is my story and my battle with an eating disorder and the courage I have found to walk in freedom.
My identity was confined and defined by a number for years. My identity was devalued and utterly shameful. The shame ran deep and the outpouring was control. I was digging and filling broken cisterns that gave way to hatred, guilt, shame, loneliness, unforgiveness, control, and selfishness.
My identity was lost all because of myself.
This self-hatred. This control. This need to be perfect. This hiding. This guilt. This shame. This lack of identity. This was my inward battle that no one understood.
These were all deeply rooted issues of my heart; of my soul that I couldn’t bare to hold.
‘Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live.’ Isaiah 55:2-3
I wish I could say there was a ‘miraculous’ healing of some sort, but there wasn’t. I wish I could say I never struggle anymore, but that wouldn’t be true. I wish I could say that I have found my COMPLETE identity in Jesus and Him alone, but I can’t, at least not yet.
What I can say now, with full confidence is that I will never go back. It has been close to 7 years since I stepped on a scale. Well, besides the prenatal routinely ‘weigh ins’ which I’ve had a lot of in our nearly 7 years of marriage, but that’s beside the point ;). My husband and I decided a long time ago that a scale in the house was unnecessary and altogether harmful(for me), so we threw it out. Besides Jesus and His mercy and grace in my life, my husband, my rock has played a huge roll in helping me find and reclaim my identity in Jesus.
God knew I needed him.
He also knew I needed my daughter’s…I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about them. God knew I needed them to reclaim my identity in Him. My momma heart breaks to think that my daughter’s could hurt like I did; could cause self-infliction on themselves because they didn’t feel worthy. And it breaks my heart even more to know that they will. Life is hard and the world is messy, but I have decided within my heart and within my prayers to the Provider and Protector of all that I will do my part, even though small, for them to not be influenced by my own self-consciousness. Will I fail, undoubtedly. Have I failed, yes, but I will continue to entrust their souls, their identity to the One who gives it.
I have found freedom. I walk in this freedom.
This freedom found only in Jesus. He is our Identity. Our Truth. Our Trust.
‘Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.’ Matthew 11:28-30
*Know someone that is struggling with an eating disorder? Please don’t hesitate to love them and help them. It’s lonely and damaging. Be their voice when their voice is weak*
**Photo credits of me in the image goes to my dreamer, Izabella Rain**